Not Ready to Be Loved
by Lizicia
Summary: Ryan just stood there, motionless, and stared at the ground. He couldn't come to looking up, nor could he think of anything to say. Everything in his life had been turned upside down.' CaRWash


**Just a little CaRWash one-shot I came upon the other night. Inspired by a once very popular song and I have interpreted some of the lyrics into lines; who figures out what song, gets a cookie! Ah, one more thing - I do not own any of them.

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Ryan just stood there, motionless, and stared at the ground. He couldn't come to looking up, nor could he think of anything to say. Everything in his life had been turned upside down.

„Why?"

Calleigh lifted her eyes but it was as though she wasn't looking at him but right through him. She closed them for a bit and when they opened again, she didn't look at him.

„Because. He's a great guy."

He noticed her lack of the use _love_.

„Don't do this to me, Cal. Please, do not."

„Ryan..." she let out a sigh. „You know as I do, that this with you and me would never work."

He shook his head. „I can't believe you're giving up on this."

She didn't answer but stared right back at him.

„We could make this work. I want this to work."

Calleigh stepped closer but still her eyes were like ice, cold and blue. Amazing how her green eyes could turn blue in an instant.

Ryan gently took her hand into his.

„Look at me, Cal."

She shook her head and looked down instead.

„Fine, then listen. Calleigh, I have a life with you. When I first came, I was young and green and no one seemed to care. I was just a replacement. But you made me feel like I was worth something."

Ryan saw tears gather in her eyes and knew he was touching her inner barriers.

„And now... now, you're like a part of my life. We share everything and I love every moment spent with you. Don't just throw this away because you're afraid it won't work."

„I'm not afraid." Her eyes had acquired a forceful glare.

„Then why can't you let me love you?"

She stood quiet for a moment, then wrapped her fingers around his. Ryan enjoyed their softness, their delicate touch and warmth.

„Calleigh..." he silently pleaded, tightening his grip.

His plea did not help, however. Silently, without a single word, she pushed his hand away and released her fingers.

„I can't."

That's all she said, without looking him in the eye.

Ryan put his arms on her shoulders. „Look at me."

He said it in a quiet but forceful way. She didn't dare not to look but didn't expect to find what she did.

His eyes were filled with sadness, pain and misery, mixed with such tenderness that it frightened her.

„Cal, I do not want to leave this with you. We have come so far within the last three years. I'm not going to let you walk away from this."

„But you have to."

The determination in her voice surprised him.

„What?"

„Ryan, I have found what I've been looking for in Jake. I would love to still be friends with you, naturally. But do not ask me for anything more. I have not given you any promises about that."

She felt determined and confident but one look in his eyes blew that away. She had killed him with those words.

„No promises, huh?" he asked, with a hint of bitterness in his voice. But he let go of her shoulders and took a step back, not looking at her.

When he looked up again, she saw sadness mixed with anger. But his voice was still quiet.

„Are you now also forgetting everything? Don't you remember _that_ night?"

Calleigh closed her eyes at that. Of course she remembered; how could she forget?

They had talked for hours, she had let fer defences fall and crumble into dust. Somehow he had managed to get inside her.

And in the end, she had simply kissed him. Soft and quick. But it grew and grew and the next moment they were tangled in his bed. As passion took over her, she had forgotten herself and had muttered „I love you" somewhere. But it was quick and quiet, so she had hoped he had forgotten. Obviously, he had not.

„You told me, no, you _promised_ me you loved me. Do you take it back?"

„I forgot myself!" she nearly yelled, angry at him for bringing that up again.

„Oh, right, you forgot. Well, I have not forgotten anything about it. That was your vow, not mine, Cal, don't you forget that!"

He turned to look at her again, this time straight into her eyes and deep into her heart.

„I love you, Cal."

She didn't say anything as she was at a total loss of words. He took a step closer and took her hands into his. Still, she didn't say a thing.

„Cal, let's just stop pretending."

Her internal dilemma was harder than she had thought. After debating herself for some moments, she sighed and released her hands.

„Ryan... I... I..." she couldn't finish it.

„Yes?" he encouraged her, looking at her with an eager look.

Calleigh shook her head, turned to look at the ground and whispered, „I'm sorry." And just walked away.

She was not ready to be loved yet.

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**And now... push the button!**


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